The abyss looks oh so familiar

Publication dilemmas, work "culture" & personal progress

I began writing on Substack with the intention of sharing my personal experiences & challenges with others who may be in a similar spot to where I was a few years ago. The hope being that I could ultimately help people.

In 2021 I was living in a constant state of fight or flight, caring for my ailing mother whilst trying to hold down a job and be there for my wife and young daughter.

I know how fucking difficult life can be and born from that came a yearning to work with people who are struggling. I guess my intention is to use this platform as a springboard to be able to do that. Could that then lead me to opportunities for a career change? That’s certainly the hope.

It is after all why so many of us started publishing on here, right? To escape the 9-5!

I currently work for a huge multinational company and it’s every bit as soulless as you’d expect. Workplace initiatives to help build a “culture” tend to do the exact opposite as it feels contrived and inauthentic. Substack was the first step I took towards doing something creative and putting my thoughts out there to see if it struck a chord with anyone.

I gained the best part of 100 subscribers in a month and was full of enthusiasm - interacting with other writers and getting fully immersed. But now, some 8 weeks in I’m having a crisis of confidence.

The desire to share a bit of me still burns but I'm struggling with the direction of my publication. I see two rough, contrasting paths:

A) Writing in a personal, diary-esque style. Discussing my challenges, my thoughts, my life and loosely tying it to actionable advice.

Or

B) More fact-based content with references to my personal journey but overall keeping it less opinion and more clinical.

I’ve spent time contemplating this and ordinarily I think I’d get a gut feeling of which way to go but I’m struggling with this one if I’m honest. I ask myself:

Which is the most authentic version of me?

Which style resonates more with the reader?

Which leads me closer to my ultimate goal?

These questions remain unanswered and it all leaves me feeling a little two steps forward and one and a half steps back at the moment.

Does the style of my writing even matter? I’m talking about subject matter that I hope will eventually be tied to a change in profession but does how I get my points across really make a difference?

The fact that I’m even giving this consideration is a start for me!

My mother was a free-spirit in many ways. Strongly believing in karma and that life ultimately will work out in the end. I have clearly absorbed some of this mindset by osmosis and this is why I find myself in a job and not a career.

As I write I'm actually sat in a crudely illuminated, CO2 drenched box of electromagnetic hell. I'm surrounded by my team, who are oblivious to the fact I’ve spent hours writing posts for this publication in the office, watching as they consume red bull and instant coffee to make it to 5pm. And the harsh reality is, I find myself here because I’ve been entirely passive.

I don’t have religious beliefs, I have spiritual beliefs. Vomit! Yes, that old trope! But, this is how I see it.

When the various religious texts referenced a hell-like place that you go to if you don’t adhere to the “rules” of said religion, this is meant figuratively and not literally. It’s that your life becomes a hellish existence if you make the wrong choices/don’t make any choices at all. And that’s where I am. That’s where millions of us find ourselves.

Before this year, the last time I seriously sat down and thought about what I wanted to do with my life was the first year of primary school.

We were asked to draw in our salmon coloured workbooks what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a window cleaner. I was in no doubt at that time that this was my life’s ambition.

No slight on window cleaners at all but it was definitely a peculiar life goal for a child!

I’d say my intelligence level is above average, and I think I have a semblance of common sense. These have got me to where I am in my career with honestly minimal effort. I’m currently in purgatory AKA “recruitment middle management”. And, this is what you get when the last time you actually really thought about your future career was when you were four years old.

I have recently enrolled onto some courses related to life coaching and mental health. These are the first courses I’ve voluntarily elected do in my entire life so I must be making some progress.

I’ve also meditated and done different types of breathwork practices for 5+ years now and learning how to more formally teach these to people is something I will also be exploring this year.

Conclusion (I think):

I don’t know where this page is going. I barely know where this post is going frankly. But what I do know is I’m at least meandering towards something else now. I have so many questions and a handful of answers but I’m going to get writing. I’m going to stop double guessing every post and every sentence. And I’m going to start now.

This post hasn’t been edited and chopped to within an inch of its life deliberately. So if it jumps about a bit, this is why. I’m just going to continue to put content out there as consistently as possible and hopefully be lead by anyone who opts to consume it.

Waylon