In the pit of my stomach

Impending doom & cocaine

We often live with things for so long that we just accept them as a part of who we are. Ailments must become completely debilitating before we take action.

To be honest, the occasional, overwhelming sense of momentary, impending doom became so normal to me that I assumed it was something that everyone experienced.

There was no pattern or warning for this sensation. It would happen completely at random. “What caused that? Is there something wrong with me? Am I ill?” This would then bring its own anxiety. As I thought about this feeling and tried to analyse what was going on, I’d then feel uneasy and I’d get the involuntary stomach “drop”.

These experiences were not triggered by anything in particular. I could simply be minding my own business, relaxing and then out of nowhere it was as if a black cloud had just descended over me.

Then came the negative loop. I would think about having the random wave of all-encompassing doom and that would make me fear the possibility of it happening again. This would make me feel nervous and make my stomach drop. The stomach drop would then exacerbate the anxious feeling and the cycle would continue.

These kinds of intrusive thoughts would also occur if I was enjoying something, like laughing with friends for example. I’d have this thought run through my mind asking if I’m actually enjoying myself. Or questioning if I genuinely found it funny or if I was just putting it on.

Admittedly, I used to burn the candle at both ends. These experiences were definitely more prevalent during the time in which was using cocaine on a weekly basis. They also came back with a vengeance when I was caring for my late mother.

One of the big problems with these kinds of mental health issues is they sneak into your life so subtly at the start that you barely register them or can attribute a cause. Over time it gets worse and worse until by that point the issues can be so debilitating that you can’t see the wood for the trees. In other words, you’re so in the mire that you can’t identify what it was/is that may have caused you to feel this way in the first place.

Much like many aspects of life, cocaine is all about duality. It creates an abnormal buildup of dopamine in the brain which makes you think you feel pretty great and gives you a ton of energy. Some 30-60 minutes later comes the crash. A drop in mood, a feeling of flatness and an increase in anxiety. What to do? Take more obviously…

The cycle, or should I say spiral commences.

As you continue to take it, your brain burns through its current supply of dopamine faster than it can make it, so after each “line” you’ll drop further and further below your baseline.

With the use of stimulants comes the lack of quality, restorative sleep. If you think Monday mornings can be challenging, try walking into work after a weekend of cocaine, excessive alcohol and minimal sleep. Truly horrific.

Mondays were a challenge mainly due to the pure exhaustion. But the feeling of low mood was more noticeable for me by about Wednesday. This would normally arrive hand-in hand with the anxiety.

The stomach drops and feelings of transitory dread were so jarring and made the everyday rigours of life and work even harder.

Then Thursday afternoon rolls around and you can almost taste the weekend. The prospect of doing it all again was starting to sound more and more appealing.

The brain can be a little treacherous at times. Deep down you know that these decisions are unwise but that flood of dopamine is an attractive proposition to the brain. It has an uncanny knack of conveniently allowing you to forget the feeling of laying, staring at the ceiling at 7am desperately trying to get to sleep but with absolutely no prospect of doing so.

Not only did I think living like this was fine, I also thought it was “normal”. I didn’t attribute the strange, seemingly unrelated side-effects to my hedonistic lifestyle.

Eventually I did phase the drugs out of my life and low and behold, the feelings of dread, fluctuating mood and intrusive thoughts faded away over time. Covid rolled around coupled with becoming a carer for my dying mother and these sensations slowly crept back into my life.

Mum dying at 57 was a stark reminder of my mortality. On the surface she was seemingly “healthy” but after what only felt like a few weeks of illness, she was being told if she didn’t have an operation urgently, she’d be lucky to make it six months.

She lived in a state of chronic stress the years leading up to her diagnosis and this worried me the most. I have no doubt this heavily contributed to her developing cancer.

There’s now so much comprehensive data linking chronic stress with a significant increase in the chances of serious illness downstream. The first step is knowing you’re chronically stressed or that your nervous system is heavily dysregulated. But as mentioned, this can happen subtly and it’s possible to not even realise how bad things have gotten if you’re not vigilant.

Panic attacks, persistent anxiety, mood swings, heart palpitations are some of the more obvious signs but there are more subtle hints as well. Digestive issues, brain fog, fatigue or being overly sensitive to loud noise etc. can be easily dismissed but they might be a warning sign that you’re in survival mode without even knowing it.

The key is staying connected with yourself be it through meditation, yoga, walking, journalling or some kind of self-inquiry. Some time alone without distraction to really check in with how you’re doing. This way you can know yourself well enough to notice when things are not right.

It’s an ongoing battle for me as I know it will be for many others. Life gets busy and life gets hectic, but we need to always make time to prioritise ourselves. If we don’t, not only are we further damaging ourselves, but likely our loved ones are not getting the best versions of us either.

Waylon

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” - Carl Jung

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