Free(r)
As Rick James once said, “Cocaine: it's a hell of a drug".
My late teens and 20’s were spent living entirely for the weekends, drinking/partying out of habit and necessity and not really worrying about tomorrow. It took me a while to accept but I’d say I had a problem with cocaine for a number of years. As Rick James once said, “Cocaine: it's a hell of a drug". I think Rick’s right to be honest but it’s the kind of substance that quite quickly makes life pretty shit and makes you a bit of a twat. Once what felt like a fun addition to an evening with friends soon becomes the beginning, middle and end of every social event you attend. The escalation is rapid, one week you're trying some of a friends then the next thing you’re the one buying it and convincing everyone else to so you don't feel alone. A few months down the line you're buying extra in case you run out, then when the party's over you’re left on your own in the kitchen with your finger in the bag. It starts off as something you do every now and then but quickly moves on to something you do every weekend. But it’s OK as it’s only the weekend, right? “One Bag Wednesday” we called it – it always ended up more than one bag and it would often not be just Wednesday. It gets to a point where a casual meeting of friends for dinner or a couple of drinks just turns into a cocaine fuelled 5am job. It slowly bleeds into your life to the point where you’re either on it or your mind and body are recovering from it.
My cocaine habit didn’t lead me to end up homeless or with serious mental health issues so I’m conscious to tread carefully as I know that it ruins many lives, but in retrospect it was having a hugely detrimental affect on me without me even realising. I’ve been friends/acquaintances with many people much like myself that were “high functioning users”, where their life on the outside wasn’t particularly impacted but from my own personal experience it was making life pretty shit. I couldn’t drink alcohol without it coming into my mind and this would subsequently make any social event that involved alcohol a complete disappointment if it didn’t result in us “getting a bag in”. I had anxiety that tended to get worse leading up to taking it and then even more so in the days after. My stress tolerance was on the floor and I was jaded by the rigours of everyday life. I can now say that my relationship with cocaine has completely shifted or moreover is now non-existent. I do still drink, though not to the excess that I did before having children but the idea of cocaine never even enters my mind. I understand some people have to completely remove all gateways to drugs from their life, no alcohol whatsoever, can’t go anywhere near a pub or bar etc. but I’m not one of those unlucky ones thankfully.
I have in the past spent money on cocaine I didn’t have, I’ve gambled my last £10 many times, I’ve funded nights out on a credit card when I haven’t got penny one in the bank but meeting me even then I don’t think people would have the slightest idea, in fact I would have appeared pretty well put together. Sadly, I actually don’t think this behaviour is all that uncommon and I do think the cards are stacked against us too, I mean, who doesn’t want instant gratification? Porn, drugs, gambling, jewellery, cars, clothes – it’s all short term thinking but when you don’t have a minute to take stock, you’ll often go for the quick fix.
Since the birth of the smart phone in particular, aside from being bombarded with adverts every other minute, I don’t think we give ourselves the time and space to actually listen to the voice inside. Our consciousness, our soul, our psyche, however you want to describe it is ultimately who we are, however, we’re often on autopilot or rather letting the ego take the wheel. If you take a moment to consider a thought. What is it? Where did it even come from? Did you have the thought before you thought it? Was it hiding in the back of your “mind” or has it just been generated from nothing? It’s interesting how often you will be faced with a problem and in that moment, you can’t think how you would go about fixing said problem but a day later you’re there washing dishes in the kitchen and it just comes to you. “Why the fuck didn’t I think of that before?”
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There are many emerging theories that are intertwining spiritual and religious beliefs with physics. That consciousness is maybe not an ability we posses but more something we are. That we are all connected, all humans, animals, plants, everything is connected at the quantum level. I find this concept extremely comforting, that there is a “meaning ” outside of our understanding of reality. I'm confident if I had tools such as meditation or mindfulness practices 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been as enchanted by cocaine. It wasn't that I didn’t know myself, it was that I didn't have any comprehension what the self even is. I was argumentative and would never let things go, never drop it and always wanted to be right. These traits become reinforced over years of repeated behaviour to the point that this is what both yourself and others know you as. Our cells regenerate constantly so the thought we have to remain the same person we’ve always been doesn’t stack up. We’re all a blank canvas that's been scrawled on and scribbled over by years of unconscious programming that continue to fall into the same traps and make the same mistakes over and over again.
We commute to work and have music on or a podcast, same goes for when we take a shower or are cooking in the kitchen. Even using the bathroom now there is an urge to get out your phone and check for notifications or go on to Instagram or the equivalent. Mindfulness has become something you actually have to set aside time for whereas before technology, commuting to work or going to the shops, doing some gardening or as mentioned even using the toilet would have been a mindfulness practice of its own. Real low hanging fruit is to just resist the urge to get the phone out during any menial task - just try and be conscious/mindful during the task you’re undertaking and enjoy it for what it is without listening to a podcast or scrolling social media. It'll feel unnatural at the start but stick with it and if you knacker it up and slip into old habits, don't hammer yourself, just promise yourself you'll try again.
The real magic happens when you sit quietly in your own company for a prolonged amount of time. Phone off and no other distractions - 20 minutes per session if you can. I let the chatter flow internally, just trying to listen without becoming involved in the “conversation”. I like to see it as clearing the inbox almost, just having a look through all those unread emails from weeks/months/even years ago that have either consciously or unconsciously been pushed to the back of our internal storage system. I try to drop my breathing down to a much slower cadence than normal, approx. 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out. You can feel the body soon accepting that you’re safe and lowering its guard. Through years of unconscious neglect, the majority of us breath in a much shorter rhythm than what is optimal and this leaves our bodies in a low grade “fight or flight” mode. Taking a metaphorical step back from the unrelenting desire for distraction from our own minds is the last thing you think you want but often what you need. A chance to take stock and escape from the constant level of panic we often find ourselves.
During times of stress and when I’m busiest I will slip back into the unconscious programming from the past but the difference is now I'm able to recognise this in real time or if not then at least upon reflection. I'm not free from some of my old, bad habits and I doubt I ever will be completely, but as life takes you through similar challenges you've faced in the past, you just hope you've gained the awareness to recognise which path to take to get the more desirable outcome this time around.
Waylon
Absolutely incredibly insightful piece. I too have had similar experiences, although I use audiobooks and podcasts as a distraction. I’m never in silence. Even now, I’m reading your words. Writing however has become my mindfulness. Rather than just allowing the conversation to take place in my head I write it down. Thoroughly enjoyed this and will reflect more than once I think 🫶🏼
Changing our behaviors and changing how we react to certain things is hard, but you now have the awareness you didn’t have before of what you need to do! We learn from our mistakes.