Don't talk to me like that
The lost art of talking to yourself with compassion
I made chicken soup for the family this week - apologies to any non-meat eaters! My chicken soup is the culmination of a long process whereby we roast a chicken earlier in the week, using most of the meat for a variety of dinners/lunches and then boil the carcass for a couple of days to make a bone broth. These are not supermarket bought, they’re free-range, direct from a family-run farm as I’m very conscious of what food goes into my family’s bodies; another subject for another time. Some root/seasonal vegetables are cooked in the broth and all together it makes a reasonably simple and tasty dinner. My daughters both like their soup smooth so I separated enough for their portions, assembled the stick blender and started going to work. Mid-blitz I realised I’d accidentally ladled the bouquet garni (essentially a teabag of herbs) and a bay leaf in the jug and subsequently decimated them into a thousand pieces - rendering that portion of soup inedible. “What a fucking idiot”, I called myself aloud with real venom. Bit strong for a simple mistake, no? If it was my wife who made that mistake resulting in us having to throw away a portion of the soup and us all having a little less than optimal, I’d have said, “don’t worry, we can just have extra bread or some dessert after”. That’s the kind of reassuring and rational advice you’d give any friend or loved one but why don’t we speak to ourselves with the same compassion?
For several months I have been trying to speak to myself with love and forgiveness, taking time to reflect on times when I fail to do so and in general take a more positive and proactive approach to everyday life. One of the most useful tools I use is to ask myself if my negative thought/reaction is true or not and nine times out of ten it is not, or at the very least there’s not enough data at the time to determine either way. My propensity to assume the worst and think negatively has been something I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember, particularly tied to the fear of publicly embarrassing myself. Asking a stupid question in a meeting, complaining in a restaurant, starting an unsolicited conversation with a stranger, stumbling my words and forgetting my place during public speaking and even uploading something online and receiving criticism for it... All these kinds of situations make me terribly uncomfortable.
Recently I sat alone in a meeting room at work reading an article on this very platform when out of nowhere I had a thought that maybe I could start my own page. I’ve spent hours reading and researching spiritual practices, nutrition and general well-being and have lived experience of the transformation that is possible - perhaps I could help others who are on a similar journey. Then arrives the harbinger of doom, “nobody would care what you have to say?”, “anything you write, someone else has probably already done it better than you ever could”. So as part of my positive thought practice, I sat with myself for maybe only 5 minutes and considered if my initial reaction was true. At this point we didn’t have enough data to prove either way but, in an attempt to speak to myself like I’d speak to a friend, I decided to give positivity a shot. “Fuck it, I’m doing it”, I thought brashly. “If my writing resonates with only one person and they’re truly grateful for what I’ve shared, then I’ve done a good thing”. I’m not ashamed to admit that at that moment I cried for the first time in a year or so. Bawled like a baby in fact. It was uncontrollable. I’ve had a yearning to help people since my mother’s passing and this felt like the first genuinely creative thing I have done since my GCSE art coursework (which my late mother incidentally helped me with). I think I was just so proud and overwhelmed that I’d had an internal argument with myself and beneath all the self-doubt and negativity the voice of hope and opportunity had arisen and prevailed. It was liberating.
Why do so many of us have such a fear of public humiliation and convince themselves of every reason why something may go wrong? There was a study some 50 years ago that concluded that people are more scared of public speaking than death! I think this is likely hyperbole but in terms of genuine fears that people have, public speaking consistently sits towards the top of a lot of peoples most-hated lists. It could be suggested that it’s perhaps to do with our tribal nature, i.e. in the hunter-gatherer days, if you were cast out of the tribe, it would almost certainly result in death. Alternatively, from a spiritual viewpoint, it could be that consciousness is not ours at all and is shared between every living being. Either way, it's without dispute that a need for community is ingrained in us.
We need support from our friends, family and even our Substack peers of course! But in equal measure we need to support ourselves. Naturally most will be better at maintaining their external network than their internal one. Therapy can be so beneficial and useful to many as a launch pad to getting into a lot of the subjects we suppress either consciously or unconsciously. I am a big proponent of therapy in the right situations. I have family members and friends alike that have benefited hugely from therapy sessions though my worry is, particularly with the younger generation, that it’s being misused or rather its purpose is misunderstood. Instead of using therapy to process pain and move forward, it’s being worn as a badge or becomes part of the individual’s identity; forever self-examining without taking action, using the therapist as crutch rather than a vehicle to address past trauma and move on. Before exploring therapy, could we not first become more comfortable asking ourselves the difficult questions? Sitting with oneself in peace and quiet and without distraction and allowing the mind to flow like a river. Guiding it to the deepest darkest parts of your psyche. Asking the kind of questions you may even find difficult to discuss with a loved one:
“What was it that caused me to react like that?”,
“What are my most common emotions and what emotions do I avoid?”
“Am I experiencing any physical tension right now?”
“What opinion do I hold of myself?”
“What am I avoiding thinking about?”
and then a level deeper still, to the answers of any of the above, “Why?”
Whatever answers you find, be kind to yourself. I believe this physical experience we call life is about learning, meaning that not one of us are the finished article. Life is inherently difficult for the majority of people. We will all lose a loved one at some point and face innumerable amounts of rejection but the old, trite adage, “fake it until you make it”, actually stands up to scrutiny. We’re able to rewire our brains by the actions we take – neuroscience shows that repeated actions strengthen neural pathways meaning the “fake” behaviour becomes our default behaviour over time.
Self-inquiry, meditation, silent contemplation, label it what you like but through this practice I find I personally am able to recognise patterns in my behaviour, identify triggers and therefore better regulate my emotions. Becoming aware of our reactions and emotions is the first step to understanding them. With better understanding brings about a capacity to truly love oneself, which will organically allow the opportunity to share that love with others more honestly, freely and easily.
Waylon
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man” – William Shakespeare, Hamlet.
Beautiful storytelling 💗
Thank you and I can relate!